Title:Angel in Wonderland
Author:the_angel_israfel
Rating: G
Pairing: N/A
Disclaimer: characters-Joss Whedon and Co. Alice in Wonderland
written by Lewis Caroll. furthur inspiration from the 1999 movie
Alice in Wonderland featuring Woopi Goldberg and Martin Short
Distribution: BTVS Inspiration and Sweetness's site.
Notes: Set during Angels fever dreams in the episode "Soul Purpose"
In response to BTVSInspiration Challenge # N/A
Feedback: Greatly appreciated


Angel in Wonderland

Angel finds himself standing in the middle of a large apple orchard.
While he takes in his surroundings, trying to figure out how he came
to be there he sees someone off to the right.

"Oh dear me, I'm late" says the figure, looking at a pocket
watch. "I'm late for a very important date, oh dear dear me"

His eyes widen as the figure comes closer. "Is that Buffy?" mutters
angel in surpise, as the figure passes and approaches a nearby
tree. "It IS Buffy, and she's wearing a PLAYBOY BUNNY OUTFIT?" this
is bellowed as the muttering figure (who, it is now clear to Angel,
is indeed Buffy) ducks through a hole in the base of the tree and
disappears. Angel quickly follows. "And what is this "date" she's so
late for? and why is that line so familiaaaaaaa" the word trails out
into a yelp of surprise as he falls into a hole and begins to
plummet. After a time it becomes apparent that his descent is much
slower than gravity would account for, as does the fact that he's
spinning slowly upside down. This fact is further confirmed by his
landing in an upside down positon on a floor (which by all accounts
should be a ceiling, but is not). "Oh, this makes perfect sense now,
I'm in Wonderland. How the HELL did i end up in Wonderland?" Just as
he finishes this thought he sees Buffy, who is obviously the white
rabbit, duck through a door.

Angel opened the door. Beyond the opening was a round room with many
doors. Standing in the center of the room he sees a glass table with
3 legs. It appears to be devoid of anything. Angel obliquely recalls
that there SHOULD be something on the table, so he enters slowly. The
sound of the door closing and locking makes him turn suddenly, but
it was too late. "Typical", and he turned back to the table. And
there, in the center, was a tiny key, no larger than his pinky
nail. "Oh, i remember this part. And there is no way in hell i'm
bothering". Angel approached a door, and using his considerable
strength attempted to bash it down...only to find that his strength
seemed to be that of a normal mortal human. "Damn it all! Nothing is
right in this world is it?" Sighing deeply he went back to the table
and picked up the key. "Now where is that door?". He scans the room,
but the key is far too small for any of the locks on the doors. As he
turns he notices a red curtain that wasn't there a moment ago. As he
approaches the curtain is raised, as if by magic, to reveal a small
door, no larger than a mousehole. Kneeling, Angel uses the key and
unlocks the door. Peering through the small opening he sees a
beautiful sunlit garden. "No use trying to go through there. Not only
won't i fit, but the sun would fry me to a crisp." Standing, he looks
around again, hoping for another way out. And there, on the table, is
a bottle. Picking up the bottle Angel reads the label which
says "drink me". Angel removes the cork and smells the
contents. "Well, it looks like blood, and even smells like blood" he
says to himself. "Well, when in wonderland" and he drinks the
contents (which taste oddly like strawberry cordial and not blood at
all).

Suddenly, it seemed as if the floor were rising, or perhaps he was
falling. When the sensation stopped he looked up and saw the table
towering above him. Angel realized that he'd left the key on the
table, and the little door was now closed. "Not that it matters,
since i can't go in the sun." But just then he recalled that he'd
been bathed in sunlight in the orchard, when he'd seen Buffy. He was
just about to start pacing when he almost walked into a small glass
box. Contained inside were several small cookies. Written upon them
in currents were the words "eat me". "Well, nothing here works the
way i'm used to, so i suppose i can eat one" Angel picked up a cookie
and took a bite. Surprised at how good it tastes, and the novelty of
being able to eat food he finishes it quickly and grabs a second.

Before he quite knew what was happening he'd hit his head on the
domed ceiling. He quickly found that he was stuck, there was no room
whatsoever in which to move. He thought back to the orchard, trying
to figure out where he had been before that, and how he had gotten
here. Nothing came to him, it was all a blank. So he moved on to
other, more immediate problems. As he was trying to think of a way
out of the mess his sweet tooth had caused him a door opened. In
walked Buffy, still in her bunny costume. "oh dear me, i'm late, i'm
late!" Buffy was jolted out of her preoccupation with the time by a
large drop of water falling from above her. Angel watched her look up
in surprise. He watched her eyes widen in shock at the sight that
greeted her. "Buffy, help me, i'm stuck". "Who's Buffy? My name is
Fluffy. Fluffy the white rabbit. And...are you crying?"

"I don't cry" growled Angel in an annoyed tone (but in fact he was).
And before he knew it the tears were flowing quite freely. "It's this
place. I don't cry!" As he finished the thought Fluffy dashed through
a door, frightened by the crying giant, and dropped a small fan and
gloves in her haste. Angel reached down and picked them up, tucking
them in a pocket. Within seconds he began to shrink. He became
smaller and smaller and quicky realized that it was the gloves and
fan making this happen. By the time he'd removed them from his pocket
he was already in a sea of tears.

Angel sank beneath the surface of the salty water. When he resurfaced
he found himself in what looked suspicously like a sewer. As he
looked around and tread water he heard splashing. Swimming past him
was a mouse. Grabbing onto the mouses tail he was pulled to the
stairs in no time at all. As he pulled himself out of the water and
caught his breath the mouse quickly transformed. The person facing
him looked, to Angel, like Oz. "Well, are you coming?" said the
mouse. "I'm giving a lecture you know. Very interesting. It's my
favorite subject. It's all about William the Conqueror."

Soon they reached what looked like a library, but the books were all
the size of buildings. And sitting upon more books were people, who
looked oddly like a duck, an eaglet, and several other odd creatures.
Angel was urged to join the assembled group for the lecture. "It's
quite dry you know. The dryest thing i've ever written if i do say so
myself. Perhaps it will dry you off" said the mouse as he looked at
the still dripping Angel. For what seemed like hours he droned on.
Angel was soon surrounded by the soft snores of the audience, and
found himself nodding off frequntly. He grew very bored with the
proceedings. "It's not working, i'm not dry" he interupted the mouse
to say. "Oh dear. This won't do." And at this the others woke. "Are
you done?" they asked. "No no, but our new friend has a problem. He's
still wet."

"Well," said the dodo, "i move that we adjourn and assist our friend
here. I suggest a caucus-race.

"What is a caucus-race?" Angel asked the dodo (although he was pretty
sure he recalled).

"Oh it's very hard to explain," said the dodo. And at this point he
was interupted by the eaglet. "Let us show him! I do so love caucus-
races"

The "animals" all lined up. With the mouse overseeing the
proceedings. He directed Angel to begin the race. Angel decided to
play along, but not actually take part in the race itself. He raised
his arm, and dropped it, sending the participants running. There
seemed to be no rhyme or reason to the race. Everyone ran willy-
nilly, and everyone seemed to be cheating. After they had been
running around for roughly half an hour the dodo cried out "the race
is over!" and everyone rushed over to the mouse. "But who's won?"
asked the Duck. "Everybody has won, and we all must have prizes"
answered the Dodo.

"But, who is to give the prizes if we've all won?" they all said in
chorus.

The mouse pointed to Angel. "Him of course". And everyone croweded
around Angel. Angel, thinking it was best to humour them so that he
could leave, searched his pockets. In one he found a small candy box
(a very odd thing for him to have indeed). He didn't recall putting
it there, but began handing out the prizes, until there was no candy
left. In an odd twist the box had contained just enough candy for all
the participants to have one each. Taking thier prizes they all
dashed off, leaving Angel alone.

Angel looked around. "Where is an exit? I want out of this crazy
place." Angel heard footsteps approaching, and from around a large
book appeared Fluffy. She was muttering quite distractedly. "Now what
have i gone and done with the fan and gloves. Oh the duchess will be
most displeased. She's sure to have me executed if i don't find
them." Just then she sighted Angel. "You, go home right this minute
and fetch me another pair of gloves and a fan" and she quickly
left. "Who does she think i am? Her servant?" grumbled Angel. "Well,
at least it means i can get out of here" Looking around he noticed a
book lying on it's back. The title on the cover was "F. Rabbit".
Opening the book he found it to be pop up, for there, in the center
of the book, was a charming little cottage, surrounded by flowers and
a well kept lawn. Angel stepped onto the page and approached the
door. The lighting shifted and when he looked behind him the library
was gone, and he was no longer on a book, but in a lovely, and very
real, yard. The sun was shining brightly, and butterflies flitted
about. Angel stood for a few minutes enjoying the sunlight, a rare
treat indeed. And with a smile on his face he entered the cottage.

Stepping into the cottage Angel found himself in a small room.
Sitting on the table were several pair of small kid gloves and 3
fans. Angel was snatching up a pair of gloves and a fan when his eye
fell upon a small bottle, much like the first which had appeared in
the round room. He was drawn to it almost against his will, for food,
like sunlight, was a novel and eagerly accepted treat. Angel picked
up the bottle and took a small sip. "I'd better not take too much,
it's not mine after all" he said quietly, as reason returned. But as
he turned to go outside he grew almost explosively. "How is it that i
know the story so well, and yet i keep making the same mistakes Alice
did?" And he was finding this to be true of the positions he was
finding himself in as well. For his left arm was out the window, and
his right foot was stuck in the fireplace with his toes in the
chimney. "As if things weren't odd enough at Wolfram and Hart. Now
i'm stuck in a rabbits cottage."

Outside he heard the approach of Fluffy. "Now where is that lazy
servant of mine with those gloves and the fan?" And she tried to open
the door, but it would not open since Angel had his hip firmly
planted against it. "Oh dear, this just won't do. I will just have to
go through the back window"

"Good luck with that" thought Angel. He waited, almost smiling. Sure
that this, at least, would be entertaining. Very shortly he heard a
crash, for Fluffy had caught sight of his arm and been so distracted
she had tripped and fallen into the frame over the cucumber
patch. "Pat, Pat! Where are you?" he heard Fluffy crying. Soon he
heard a new voice appoaching. A voice with a strong irish
accent. "Here i am yer ladyship, oh, and what are you doing in the
cucumbers?" Angel heard the sound of breaking glass as Pat pulled
Fluffy out of the patch. "Why are we growing cucumbers anyway?" he
heard Fluffy ask. "Why? Because they're green o'course!"

"I should have known. Now, what is THAT in my window?"

"I'd be saying that's an arm, yer ladyship"

"An arm? Whoever saw an arm that size? And what is it doing in my
window?"

"I wouldn't be knowing that, but it is an arm, that i be knowing."

"Well get it out of my window! This instant"

Angel listened avidly, hoping they would find a way to free him,
since he seemed unable to free himself. And he truly hated being
dependant. The hero should be able to save himself after all. After a
time he heard muttering and whispers. Words like coward and do as i
say. Losing patience he pounded the ground outside, and heard another
crash. Fluffy shrieked in surprise as she again landed in the
cucumber patch, breaking more glass, and crushing more plants. "Well,
there's only one thing to be done. Burn down the cottage" Fluffy
ordered Pat as he pulled her to her feet. "Are ye sure ye be wantin
to do that?" he asked her. "Don't question, just do it!"

"Don't you DARE set me on fire" Angel growled menacingly. The threat
obvious in his voice. Silence fell outside. In minutes he heard the
sound of a wheelbarrow, and a new voice. "What be all the commotion?"
was asked. "Bill, get over there with those" Angel heard Fluffy say.
Seconds later the window broke as a stone came through it. It was
quickly followed by more. "Stop that!" yelled Angel, as he pounded
the ground. Fluffy shrieked once more as she fell. "You must find
those cucumbers mightly comfortable yer ladyship" Pat was heard to
say. Looking down he watched the stones turning into tiny cakes.
Taking a chance (as he recalled this part of the story quite well) he
took one up and ate it. He quickly began to shrink to the size of an
insect and made his way out of the area.


Angel walked for what felt like hours. He was quickly tiring of this
insane place. As he muttered to himself about everything that had
happened so far he came upon a large mushroom. And seated atop the
mushroom was a caterpiller....who looked like Rupert Giles! The
catepillar appeared to be in uniform and was smoking a pipe, while
sitting atop the mushroom. Slowly coming out of his reverie, the
catepillar seemed to finally notice Angel. Taking the pipe from his
mouth he looked at Angel and said, in quite a haughty tone, "who are
YOU?"

"Well, I'm not quite sure anymore" Angel told him. "I thought i knew
but...." And at this Angel stopped.

"Explain yourself sir" said the caterpillar.

"I'm afraid i can't." Angel replied. "All i can tell you is that i
don't particularly like being this size."

"And WHAT is wrong with this size, I am this size" the catepillar
told Angel angrily.

"Nothing at all is wrong with it, well for you. This isn't my normal
size. Whoever heard of a hero the size of a bug. At least, i THINK
i'm a hero" And with this Angel began to walk away, quite fed up with
the whole situation in general.

"Come BACK" called the caterpillar. "I have something to tell you"
And at this Angel turned questioningly.

For several minutes the catepillar puffed away on his pipe, as if
deep in thought. "Are you content now?" he asked. Angel scowled. "I
thought i made it clear, i'm not content at all. I'm rather annoyed
actually."

The catepillar scowled back. "Well, with a sour attitude like that i
don't believe i shall help you after all." (Angel knew that this was
not how the story went.) And in a flash of bright light the
catepillar was gone, and a butterfly was in his place. With a
contemptous look at Angel he was off.

Angel watched until the butterfly was out of sight and approached the
mushroom. "Now, how did it go again? Oh yes, one side makes me
taller, while the other makes me shorter." And so saying, he grabbed
a large chunk from either side of the mushroom. Taking a chance, he
took a small bite of the left hand piece. He felt himself growing. "I
suppose i had better keep these, just in case" And he tucked the
pieces in his pocket.

Off in the distance he saw a large manor home. Walking towards it was
a footman. Or at least Angel thought him to be a footman, dressed in
livery as he was. As Angel approached the manor he heard the man
speaking to a similarly dressed male who obviously worked at the
house. "For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play
croquet."The manors footman repeated in the same tone, but changed
the order of the words a little, "From the Queen. An invitation for
the Duchess to play croquet." The first footman said "Well not how i
would put it, but it shall have to do" and he walked off. The
remaining footman sat on the ground, back against the wall, and
stared into space.

Angel approached the the footman, wanting to ask directions. Hoping
beyond hope that he could get home. "No use asking me" the footman
said, before Angel even had a chance to say anything. "And no use
knocking if that's what you have in mind. They're making so much
noise they'll never hear you." And from inside he could hear
sneezing, and the sound of things crashing. "I, I shall sit here
until tomorrow, perhaps longer if they keep that noise up." Angel
approached the door and entered. The noise led him to the kitchen,
where he could hear singing. The song, it seemed, was no different
here than in the story.

`Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He
only does it to annoy, Because he knows it teases.'

Angel could smell the pepper right away, and began sneezing. When he
enterd the kitchen he saw the cook tossing pepper around madly.A
woman, who could only be the duchess, was dancing around and singing.
She was tossing a crying baby around like a sack of potatoes. When
she turned Angel was hardly surprised to see that she looked like
Lilah. Up in the corner of the room he noticed someone in a cat
costume. "Eve?" he said out loud. The duchess stopped singing. "What
was that you said?"

"Your...cat. Why is it smiling at me like that?"

"It's a cheshire cat. They all smile like that." And with this she
dropped the baby into Angels arms. "You take care of him. I must get
ready for to play croquet with the queen." And with that she floated
from the room. The cook continued to toss pepper about. Sneezing,
Angel left, taking the baby with him.

Outside he considered handing the baby to the footman, but decided
not to bother. Walking down the road he waited for the inevitable.
And when the baby finally turned into a piglet he placed it on the
road and watched it wander off. When he looked around he noticed the
cheshire cat in a tree. "Eve" he said to it, "which way out of this
madhouse?"

At this the "cat" just grinned and pointed. "That way is the hatter,
and that way is the march hare. They're both quite mad."

"I just said i wanted out of this madhouse. Why would i want to visit
mad people?" Angel said, quite frustrated by this point.

"In that case...just follow my paw" she said, as she faded away,
leaving the paw till last.

Deciding that he may as well do just that Angel continued on. After a
time he saw a table to the side of the road. And sitting at it was a
someone in a large hat, a hare, and something he couldn't quite
see. "That would be the doormouse. This is what i get for listening
to Eve. She's led me right to the tea party."
Angel approached the table. He thought that perhaps this sillyness
would take his mind off of things. The March Hare appeared to be
Darla. Her "costume" was most definitely that of a rabbit, but
something wasn't quite right. Angel couldn't quite put his finger on
what it was however. The Mad Hatter appeared to be none other than
Drusilla. The doormouse appeared to be just that. This was somewhat
comforting to Angel.
The Hatter and the Hare saw him coming and began yelling "NO ROOM, NO
ROOM." Angel just ignored this and took a seat. The Hatter rolled his
eyes but the Hare said "here, have some wine". Angel declined,
knowing there was none. The Hare seemed quite put out at having her
joke thwarted. "Your throat wants cutting" the Hatter suddenly
said. "That's not right!" thought Angel, but he chose to ignore it.
The Hatter looked at him. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" she
asked. And at this Angel looked right at her and said "Why ask a
riddle with no answer?" The Hatter had no answer other than "CLEAN
CUP CLEAN CUP. MOVE DOOOOWWWWN!!!" And, with the help of the Hare
they grabbed the doormouse and moved. Angel followed.

As Angel was sitting the Hatter looked at him again. "What day of the
month is it?"

"The 4th" he answered (although he really wasn't sure anymore)

"Oh, it's all wrong, 2 days off. i TOLD you not to pour blood into
it!" She said as she looked at the Hare.

"I only used the best!" replied the Hare, sounding hurt. She took the
watch and began dipping it into her tea.

They sat in silence for a time. Angel wondering what could possibly
be next. "The doormouse seems to be sleeping again" the Hatter
finally said. "Yes, he is. But i feel like a song. Play us a song"
the Hare told her.

"Do you recall the song i sang at the queens concert?"

"Oh yes, that one, twinkle twinkle little bat wasn't it? Oh, do sing
it"

"No, i don't want to. Doormouse" said the Hatter, as she nudged him
awake. "Tell us a story"

The doormouse began the story of the treacle well, but by this time
Angel was quite fed up and made his escape, as they were all too busy
to to notice.

He'd walked for quite some time when he came upon a door. "I'm not
entirely sure i want to go through that door." And he tried to recall
where it led. "Oh yes, the round room" and with this he stepped
through and into the first room he'd encountered. Picking up the key
he took the unused piece of mushroom out and nibbled on it. In no
time he was small enough to fit through the door to the garden, and
was off.

Upon entering the garden he saw 3 strangers (and at this he was quite
glad) in the proces of painting white roses red. They had, however,
stopped to argue. "You'd better hurry" he said to them "the queen is
on her way right now". And at this they scrambled, barely managing to
paint the remaining flowers in time before the Queen arrived. Angel
hoped that by doing this he hadn't changed the course of the story
too much, enough to prevent his getting home at any rate. But he
couldn't allow them to be beheaded. He WAS a hero after all.

Just then he heard processional music, and the queens party came into
view. The would be painters threw themselves upon the ground. The
soldiers, as expected, looked like playing cards (as had the men
painting the roses). Soon enough the queen came into view. Fluffy was
also in attendance. "So this is the date she was late for" and as
this thought was finished he was able to get a better look at the
king and queen of hearts. They were none other than Fred and Gunn!

"Who is this" the queen asked the knave of hearts, as she gestured
towards Angel. The knave (who looked exactly like Westly) merely
bowed and smiled. "Idiot, i'm surrounded by idiots" said the
Queen. "What is your name?" she asked Angel.

"Angel, your majesty" he said with a bow.

"And who are these?" she said, pointing to the cards on the ground,
for they looked just like everyone else when upon thier faces.

"How should i know?" replied Angel a little testily.

The Queen grew red with rage and screamed "OFF WITH HIS HEEEAAAADD!!"
and pointed at Angel.

Angel just stood there. The king said quietly in the queens
ear "consider darling that he's but a stranger here" And with this
Angel was ignored. She turned to the knave and ordered him to turn
the cards over, the better to see them. "Get up!" she cried shrilly.
And they stood and began bowing madly. "ENOUGH she yelled. Get from
my sight. NOW." And off they ran.


"Do you play croquet?" she asked Angel.

"Not for quite some time you majesty" he told her.

"Well, you do now." she told him. "Come along!" she roared at the
procession.

"It's a very fine day" he heard from his side. And there was Fluffy.

"Where is the duchess?" he asked her.

"SHHH, not so loudly. She's in prison. She's to be exectued. She
boxed the queens ears"

Angel watched as everyone struggled to make flamigos into clubs, and
hedgehogs into balls. He really had no interest in playing such a
silly game. He had too much work to do. Innocents to save. So he
quietly slipped away while everyone was distracted. From behind him
he could here the loud yelling of the queen. "OFF WITH HER HEAD, OFF
WITH HIS HEAD" and on and on.

Angel entered the labyrinth. The only sound was the whispering of the
wind. After a time he swore he heard singing. Very faintly he picked
up the words lobster and porpoise. "Oh", he thought, "it's the
lobster quadrille. I remember this part of the story. And i am not in
the mood for a sing-along with a turtle or a griffon." Yet somehow he
ended up there anyway.

In a small alcove he found the griffon and the turtle. Or, more
precisely Cordelia and Connor. At this Angel became quite sad. So he
stood and watched the two people he loved most as they sang
together. "I want to stay and watch them. But i'm afraid if i do...."
And so he left. As he walked he could hear the sound of thier singing
fade away, and with it went some of his sorrow, but not all.

After a time he heard a rhythmic ticking, much like the sound a
metronome makes. His path seemed to be carrying him toward the sound
regardless of the direction he took, yet when he arrived at the
source all he saw was a door, and a dead end. "I suppose i have no
choice but to use the door, or go back, and i am not going back", and
opening the door he stepped through.

He had taken no more than 5 steps when he heard the sound of hooves
thundering towards him. He managed to duck out of the way just in
time. But before his attacker (a knight in red armor) could turn to
come for him again, a white knight appeared. And the battle began. He
could hear them arguing as they fought.

"He's my prisoner!" grouched the red knight (who sounded suspiciously
like lindsey).

"And i mean to save him" replied the white knight. But the clashing
of swords made the voice hard to place.

The battle continued for some time. "I'm perfectly capable of taking
care of myself" Angel muttered. Eventually the fighters seemed to be
tiring, and the red knight fell from his horse, quickly followed by
the white. "Good fight", "Yes quite good" they said to each other.
The red knight mounted his horse and rode off. The white knight
strungled to stand, seemingly weighed down by his armor. Upon gaining
his feet he approached his horse.

Angel watches as his rescuer attempts to mount his horse and
promptly falls flat on his ass. He barely suppresses a smirk, but as
the knight removes his helmet the smirk becomes a growl. "Spike! What
are you doing here."

"Spike?" says the knight. "No no no dear boy, my name is William. Sir
William. Knight of the Realm." (he says this all rather grandly)

Angel scowls at this bit of news and prepares to walk away.

"I see that you are well" Sir William continues. "Before you
go...could i trouble you to help me back upon my horse?"

"Oh, i'll help you alright", Angel thinks to himself. But out loud he
says "certainly". And lifts the armor heavy "hero" back upon his
saddle. Having done so he allows himself a nasty smile, and slaps the
horse on it's flanks, sending it racing off. "I've always wanted to
do that" he says to himself as he watches "Sir" William fight for
control. Looking around he picks a direction and continues on.


To the side of the road he finds a small garden. When he almost steps
on a flower the tigerlily speaks. "Do watch where you are going."

"Oh! Sorry. Could you tell me how to get out of the forest?"

The tigerlily thinks for a moment. And as it does so Angel takes a
closer look. He recognizes the small face as Lorne. One of the
daisies looks suspiciously like Harmony, and the a rose seems to
resemble Anya . As he comes to this realization the tigerlily points
with a leaf and says "that way" to which the daisy and rose disagree,
both pointing in completely different directions. Angel listens to
them argue for a time, then, losing patience walks off.

Yet more time passes. "Does this forest ever end?" Distracted, he
walks into someone. Looking up he sees Warren (tweedledum) and
Johnathan (tweedledee). Delighted at having a captive audience they
begin the story of the walrus and the carpenter. Angel sits through
this for no more than a few minutes before thinking "how can i
distract them?" when he remembers the rattle.

Pointing in the direction he recalls the rattle to be he says "what
is that?". Distracted from thier story they look over. Warren, seeing
the rattle, becomes rather irate and yells "you broke it, my new
rattle" at Johnathan. "This means we must fight!" Angel quietly slips
away while they prepare to battle.

Soon enough he is found by two of the queens guards. "Angel, you have
been summoned to attend the trial of the knave of hearts." And with
this announcement he is accompanied quite against his will.

The court seemed to be nothing more than a large house of cards. The
King (Gunn) and Queen (Fred) were sitting on thier thrones, high
above the court, when he arrived. The court room was filled with
almost all of the odd creatures he'd met during his journey. The
knave (Wesley) stood in chains, awaiting his trial. The king was also
the judge. The jury consisted of animals. Willow seemed to be the
defense, and Xander the prosecution.

"Read the charges!" called the king.

"At this Fluffy unrolled a scroll and read: The Queen of Hearts, she
made some tarts, All on a summer day: The Knave of Hearts, he stole
those tarts, And took them quite away!' (which was exactly as Angel
had expected.)

"Consider your verdict!" the king told the jury.

"No no not yet!" Fluffy called out.

The king blustered.. "Well why not? What else is there to do?"

"Oh much more, there is much much more to the proceedings than that"
Fluffy told the king.

Angel, after all he'd been through, was out of patience. He stood up
prepared to loudly state, as clearly as he could recall, exactly what
Alice had said in the story, hoping to end the foolishness. And just
as Alice had, Angel began to grow. Soon he towered over those
assembled in the courtroom. As he did he knocked over the table in
the center, which drew his eyes to the tarts. "Oh yes, that's it" he
thought. But before he could say anything the king asked him a
question.

"What do you know about this?"

"Nothing whatsoever, but.."

The king interupted to speak to the jury. "That's very important,
write that down"

"UN-important" said Fluffy.

"Oh, oh yes, UN-important" said the king. "Make a note of that" he
instructed the jury. Angel could hear him muttering "important, un-
important" quietly to himself.

Angel finally lost his temper. "HOW can the knave have stolen the
tarts if they are all here? I WILL NOT see an innocent punished for
something they did not do!"

At this the king jumped to his feet. "Fluffy! Read rule 42!"

Fluffy opened a large book and read. "Rule number 42. ALL PERSONS
MORE THAN A MILE HIGH MUST LEAVE THE COURT" This was said in a very
imperious tone.

Everyone looked at Angel.

"Fine" Angel told them. "That's what i wanted anyway". And he woke up.


end